Journal of Miscellany
Concerning the developements of Jacob in this strange and unpredictable world.
6.1.07
Random thoughts about 2006
Four days ago, I chanced upon a dying kitten lying on the roadside. It seemed apparent to me that this little creature was yet another hapless road kill.
It was raining that time, but not too heavily. I saw its jaws opened wide, its tongue quivering ever so slightly. Its black rimmed eyes were opened wide, so wide it seemed that I thought it was going to pop out.
I could not bear to watch it go any further, slowly…so I turned myself away, but not before seeing it lift a trembling forepaw in a jerking fashion, a testimony of the confused pain that it is suffering.
There was no blood, but this is perhaps due to the blackness of the wet road that obscured the lighter red. A kitten so small would not have much blood anyway.
But I see myself in that kitten, a fraction of that pain reflected in my eyes. The very pain and joys that yesteryear had brought for me.
For you see, many things happened. I’ve tasted the bitterness of betrayal by someone who used to be close to me. Now all that’s left of that incident were just these flawed plans, alongside several letters and documents filled with preposterous statements and swindling facts.
If things had not happened the way it did, I would have kept several of my relatives and live a bit more comfortably. I might even be able to single-handedly fund my way to a good university (and be able to give better gifts to my friends).
But such a fool I am! How very optimistic, how naïve! Truly, the closer they are to us, the deeper so can they stab us and turn against us. There are truly no limits for the stupid and closed minded.
It is to be so, and I am wrong, in more ways than one.
With my better options and possibilities in life cut away, I have little choice but to work with what I have left.
Schoolwork, last year, was like a slow plodding journey through a jungle with no ending in sight. Life is spent at a frantic pace, with not enough time to rest and do anything else in between. Emotional and energy drains are prevalent.
My life is stretched in a continuity in which the only way forward is a downward spiral. My studies suffered, my eyesight weakens, and my overall concentration faltered.
I seem to regard myself an even greater fool in the presence of others. People jeered at me, looked down at me and make mindless jokes at my expense. I was aware of that, but selfishly, I tried to pretend that, and all of my other problems never existed. Pretentiously, I masked myself in a mask of incredulity and feigned ignorance. I tried to comfort myself, but I knew that all I did was just an extended and elaborate mockery upon myself.
I kept trying to struggle, to resist and to fight on. Never once, have I considered on giving up. But still foolish, still naïve, I’ve let myself be injured in a far greater way than I could have anticipated. I dared to love, and thus I dared myself to be wounded with a perilous wound. I loved, but I knew that she would never love me back, ever. Thus, I have defeated myself, and tortured myself for yet another time.
I think all that I’ve experienced is insignificant compared many others before and after me, but I did what I did. I was diminished.
To stave off a bit of the tides and to distract myself for a little while, I immersed myself in my crafts, but all I could produce were unpresentable. I think this is due to the fact that I would love to indulge myself freely in what I’ve been doing, but I would have loathed to face the same thing everyday without a break.
I continued my work, I studied and I did all that I can, and I tried to repair my weaknesses. I can still spend quality time with my family, and find company and fellowship whenever I need them.
As yesteryears gate closes, I dealed with my blood poisoning, and I spent time with my gang(Jason, Thai Ming, Ah Loon, Nicholas, and Ah Bing)(the Poor gang).
Time passed interestingly every day, though challengingly so. I plodded and crawled on; I tried to be strong, but to what end?
STPM seems to resent me, and I think any views I have concerning are pretty useless anyway. Still, I crawled on.
As the year ends and a new one started, I began to wonder, what did I do wrong last year? Or is it still about this year’s dead kitty?
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