Journal of Miscellany
Concerning the developements of Jacob in this strange and unpredictable world.
27.3.10
Done?
Everything's signed up last Monday, I heard. Relief came over me, but the sense of certainty that usually came with such scenarios never did. Hn.

Our young and strapping forerunner is having some difficulties with the waterworks, what's with our neighbour building it too deep. Delays and more delays, then.

Another separate scenario I planned out also failed. Unexpected arrangement of timing and pacing had done the whole plan in. Did not expect the supposedly macho lady to balk out when confronted with a heavy amount of calculated risk. Cowardice did the rest for the three in need.

I was told that for them, it was a lost cause.

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21.12.09
Preview
My heart's in a turmoil, but I still need to rethink a couple of things.

Seen below is Fong Seng's handiwork, but it seems that Google's kinda late when it comes to updating their maps, so I guess this must have been taken a couple of months back.


View Larger Map


Heh.

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Disparity
The youngster managed to persuade the little fellow, to the relief of many, and it was decided that all parties were to sign the contract today.

But everything's not done yet, one of the documents needs an amendment, and it was arranged to be signed in a later date.

Nothing seems out of order, except for the little fellow's younger brother. 

He's not normal anymore.

Nothing he said made any sense.

And he was of one filled with anger without direction.

Indeed, I am now very scared.  I've no idea what I should do.  My holiday mood was instantly killed.  So, that means no Christmas for me this year, my chums.

There's still one more document, and no matter how much one can say otherwise, our common fate is indeed in the hands of a madman.

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19.12.09
If
It was kinda surprising that he did no more for the moment, but his mother's temper was certainly one of a kind.  It is exactly the kind of anger that a mother exhibits, obstinate and blind to her child's shortcomings.

Waiting, waiting for the whole thing to simmer and then boil over.  By then it'll be too late....always, too late.

Hahahaha, reading back the last few posts made me think that I might be more selfish than I can take credit for, but it wouldn't be surprising for me to act like that for something so life changing, wouldn't it?

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15.12.09
Despair
I don't feel OK. A few days had passed and none of the things that happened in between looked good. It's the waiting game again, with me on the losing side just like last time.

What if we lose it this time, what would happen? The answer that came back was not unexpected. They'll split the whole thing up three ways, so that everybody can lose instead of just two parties. I can say that it's the most stupid choice one can make.

But they say it's either the goes on as planned or that each and every one of us would drown as one. No third choices and no take-backs.

I lost most of my appetite just thinking about it.

Grandmother's health doesn't look so good either. Muscular degeneration is pretty much apparent on all limbs. Mental regression and the lost of speech becomes more and more pronounced in the past few months. The same goes with the severity of her incontinence.

The whole ordeal demanded a lot from the relatives taking care of her, and on the previous trip back I found her incapable of sitting upright anymore.

It's just her and her low air bed now, well...at least that and sleep.

Hekh, her hands and feet were so cold.

Thinking about all of this soured up my heart. I wanted to do something about all this, but I lacked the funds and a solid plan to make the crucial difference.

I blame only myself for all this.

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14.12.09
Hold On
They told me to hold back.

I know what should be done, and I think I know what to do, and what should be the most possible outcome.

But they think that just because I think I know doesn't mean that I should do it.

Trying to reason with someone who cannot keep his emotions and ignorance in check is disastrous, they say.

But I am not willing to let the youngster see too much into this side of things. I've had enough of that a few years back and I'm not keen on seeing another repeat of the same thing.

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Concern
The fallacies of those who stayed true to their own crippled ideals continued to dog us.

I'm tempted to go and confront the root of the problem, but close ones withheld me.

Birthdays and celebrations of all sorts are happening all around me, but I find myself content to eat alone.

Such is life, during a time when the masses crave for adoration in troubled times, not quite close to a few will find themselves as lone islands.

Luckily enough, I still find comfort in food.

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13.12.09
Ignorance
Received a call a few hours ago, and was informed that the little fellow who messed up the Mile 8 Project a few years back is at it again.

Without knowing the full extent of the current situation, he faxed out unreasonable demands to our up and coming youngish looking developer.

Completely unnecessary rows erupted, and people are driven to the very end of their wits at this insensitive madness.

Once again, cowardice and reluctance to do anything drastic will cost us everything.

Slowly but surely, the feeling of being hemmed in becomes apparent.

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9.12.09
Set
The plan's set, and the agreement is underway. There shouldn't be any problems, but yet something still doesn't feel right.

But it's not as if I can do anything at all being so far away physically.

Ineffective, heh.

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3.12.09
Aftermath
As I stayed my due in University Hospital during the early parts of November, I heard that Fong Seng's little pet project was successfully completed. It was quite spacey.

Projected amount of loss suffered for that one time slip-up could have numbered in the hundreds of thousands spread over a minimum of 5 years if new negotiations had not come to pass.

The new guy was young, I heard, and eager to prove himself in a field where only loaded veterans were trusted.

I have my doubts. But I am still willing to see what would happen next.

It had always been my wish to see this thing till the very end, and if everything holds up this time, results would be apparent in 2 or 3 years time.

My future would be secure, and I would be debt free, able to pursue anything of interest(at least in moderation).

For now, all I can think about is how people used to say that luck would turn for the better after a period of great illness. In this I chose to remain skeptical.

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6.1.07
Random thoughts about 2006
Four days ago, I chanced upon a dying kitten lying on the roadside. It seemed apparent to me that this little creature was yet another hapless road kill.
It was raining that time, but not too heavily. I saw its jaws opened wide, its tongue quivering ever so slightly. Its black rimmed eyes were opened wide, so wide it seemed that I thought it was going to pop out.
I could not bear to watch it go any further, slowly…so I turned myself away, but not before seeing it lift a trembling forepaw in a jerking fashion, a testimony of the confused pain that it is suffering.
There was no blood, but this is perhaps due to the blackness of the wet road that obscured the lighter red. A kitten so small would not have much blood anyway.
But I see myself in that kitten, a fraction of that pain reflected in my eyes. The very pain and joys that yesteryear had brought for me.
For you see, many things happened. I’ve tasted the bitterness of betrayal by someone who used to be close to me. Now all that’s left of that incident were just these flawed plans, alongside several letters and documents filled with preposterous statements and swindling facts.



If things had not happened the way it did, I would have kept several of my relatives and live a bit more comfortably. I might even be able to single-handedly fund my way to a good university (and be able to give better gifts to my friends).
But such a fool I am! How very optimistic, how naïve! Truly, the closer they are to us, the deeper so can they stab us and turn against us. There are truly no limits for the stupid and closed minded.
It is to be so, and I am wrong, in more ways than one.
With my better options and possibilities in life cut away, I have little choice but to work with what I have left.
Schoolwork, last year, was like a slow plodding journey through a jungle with no ending in sight. Life is spent at a frantic pace, with not enough time to rest and do anything else in between. Emotional and energy drains are prevalent.
My life is stretched in a continuity in which the only way forward is a downward spiral. My studies suffered, my eyesight weakens, and my overall concentration faltered.
I seem to regard myself an even greater fool in the presence of others. People jeered at me, looked down at me and make mindless jokes at my expense. I was aware of that, but selfishly, I tried to pretend that, and all of my other problems never existed. Pretentiously, I masked myself in a mask of incredulity and feigned ignorance. I tried to comfort myself, but I knew that all I did was just an extended and elaborate mockery upon myself.
I kept trying to struggle, to resist and to fight on. Never once, have I considered on giving up. But still foolish, still naïve, I’ve let myself be injured in a far greater way than I could have anticipated. I dared to love, and thus I dared myself to be wounded with a perilous wound. I loved, but I knew that she would never love me back, ever. Thus, I have defeated myself, and tortured myself for yet another time.
I think all that I’ve experienced is insignificant compared many others before and after me, but I did what I did. I was diminished.
To stave off a bit of the tides and to distract myself for a little while, I immersed myself in my crafts, but all I could produce were unpresentable. I think this is due to the fact that I would love to indulge myself freely in what I’ve been doing, but I would have loathed to face the same thing everyday without a break.
I continued my work, I studied and I did all that I can, and I tried to repair my weaknesses. I can still spend quality time with my family, and find company and fellowship whenever I need them.
As yesteryears gate closes, I dealed with my blood poisoning, and I spent time with my gang(Jason, Thai Ming, Ah Loon, Nicholas, and Ah Bing)(the Poor gang).
Time passed interestingly every day, though challengingly so. I plodded and crawled on; I tried to be strong, but to what end?
STPM seems to resent me, and I think any views I have concerning are pretty useless anyway. Still, I crawled on.
As the year ends and a new one started, I began to wonder, what did I do wrong last year? Or is it still about this year’s dead kitty?

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