Artwork not connected whatsoever with work of fiction.

There was once one who drank from the air and ate from the flowing water, standing as a blackened cenotaph for all to see.

"Whatever dreams he envisioned, half filled portions would rise up and get swallowed up by the roaring winds, while parched dregs of what remained, not unlike cheap burned up glass, would crash down onto the earth with dull thuds, setting unkindly, causing vaporous smoke to rise up and choke the lower crusts of its confabulated and baked out surface."

One night, they called him wrong, and lured him out onto an empty field.

Softly he began, "It is high night when all wrongs are heavy, a great time for everyone to lie and die. Pray confound me if you do, but why?"

"He called me a liar and a fiend, but I am neither!" The leech friend complained.

"Ho, so you say, but what of me a falsity turned real? The truth you say, and with you no liar?" the leech thought.

"I cannot lie, and I certainly did not."

"I fed myself from my mind's eye, and my mouth tasted red sweetness."

The host concurred to both. Nodded to the other.

Beauty, beauty for all of you, haggardly niggards, regardless of how real it is.

"I want..." but, looking down at his feet, he could not continue.

The sterile earth, he knows, would have never lied to him in the first place.

Labels: sorrow

Virtue depicted is not related to the fairy tale at all.

Some time later, they were woken up by a leech friend.

Apparently, the leech friend also saw fit to take the liberty of transporting their bodies onto an open field.

"By hand, I am fiend, but I can also be a very gentle and special friend." quoth the leech friend, saving the leech from the redundancy of speech.

"Mayhaps I've waited long, and then some, but what else is there?"  The hosts' eyes blinked and roved and carved about, but he can't see some.

The leech friend walked around, the leech crawled circles.

"I hope soon there be flowers at the very least," the host thought quietly.

"Growth, growth, take time and take heart.  Should be around, should be aground!" raved the leech friend.

"Soon, soon, you mean? You fiend?  You friend fiend!"  the leech thought aloud.

"I am friend, they called me fiend, and I am leech friend, but no leech is a friend of mine," said the leech friend calmly.

Then all three turned silent.

The open field was wide enough, bare enough, and airy enough.  But one or three alive can still suffocate on abundance.

Labels: sorrow

Pictured, Anisakis simplex, no relation to fairy tale.

I believe I believe when there was a time called once upon a time, a leech looked up to his host and said, "you are very sick, and yet I am still with you, feeding off your blood. Won't you ever get mad?"

The host looked down, perceiving the leech that clung tightly down under, gave it a smile that can only appear on one beyond weariness and care.

There was a moment of meandering silence at the effect of such a contact, but

"Ahm, I see." The leech answered back redundantly, and continued to feed.

Sometime later, when the leech got full it fell off the host and wriggled a bit on the ground. The host, who was sitting still all this while, remained so.

Understanding each other, neither of them spoke anymore.

Labels: sorrow

Again and again, one ant alone cannot be at fault. The fault represents the whole, and the whole ain't that wholesome. A nest full of problems, problems that require the need of drain cleaner, gasoline and a lit match.

Poison doesn't work as well as they used to. Those ants probably formed some kind of resistance against it a generation or two back, but it probably goes way back from even before then.

I can only watch, unable to do a thing for now. I can't find the nest. These little critters are red and tiny. Gave me quite a sting. Raided the wholemeal bread wholesale. Bread costs 4.50 and a long trip to get.

Disappointed, and it doesn't even have the nerve to talk back to me. Nothing but problems. But of course ants are simple creatures. Swarm behavior and what not.

But how long must I wait?

You can't have ants in your house you know.

Labels: sorrow

Checklist:

1.Low bone density-high risk group. Osteoporosis imminent in the next decade or two.

2.Low blood pressure-manageable but for how long?

3.Underweight-weight won't go up no matter what I eat.

4.Low blood count-as long as I don't bleed out or donate I should be fine.

5.Eyes-experiencing gradual loss of sight. Not entirely sure how to solve this one.

6.Teeth-1 upcoming operation, another repeat highly possible. Braces, some bleaching and removal of calcified matter. Structural integrity questionable due to past experience of breaking one with ease and current state of bones.

7.Skin-cholesterol deposits beneath skin a hereditary condition. No known cure aside from direct surgical excision. But it won't work, it's too widespread.

8.Hair-hair loss is also hereditary. Cannot foresee when it'll happen.

9.Chest pains-read out like the signs of oncoming heart problems. Happens once or twice a year. Long term implications unknown at the moment.

10.Possible risk of other problems-?

Solution:a very big question mark. I hope everything holds.

Labels: sorrow

The clinic called on Tuesday evening, told me to wait for yet another week.

Fine.

So for today, I opted to check up my bone density at an Anlene sponsored booth.

Out of a scale of -4 to +2, I'm right at -2.8.

Apparently it's so lame that 60+ year old Indian lady scored better than me.

The health counselor was somewhat alarmed as well, considering my age. She gave me a period of 8 years to ante up, or face some really unhealthy consequences.

That puts coffee, tea and alcohol out of the question. I never cared about coffee before, alcohol was so so, but tea was a hard one.

Eih.

Labels: sorrow

I fear I fear myself for who I am. At certain times and at certain points of my life, people I think I can get close to breaks off.

I failed.

I failed at explaining a lot of things. I failed to give closure and I failed to keep something that should have gone on a lot longer on the line. I failed a lot of people.

I realized that and I realized how wrong I am, and how weak I am to solve them all. I failed everyone.

In the end, people can only get disappointed. Then they hate me.

I know that they hate my guts. They hate me for all the things that I've said and for who I am.

Small wonder everything can't go right.

I can't go and look back either.

I'm already neck deep last year, so this year I'll be the one doing all the drowning.

It won't end, and for some reason this condition, took a few lives of it's own, likes being a transition of an unending sort.

Labels: sorrow

We met at the appointed time.

My case was documented.

Hi resolution pictures and some close-ups were taken with a camcorder, presumably for case study.

Together the doctor and I sought out the skin specialist.

The specialist said that it's hereditary.

Nothing serious.

We got out of the specialist's room in silence.

Heh.

My back looks like the fractured map of some weird country, and it's nothing serious.

"A rare case, at least I think so. Nothing quite like it."

I asked for health check.

He obliged.

Nothing wrong there.

I asked for his card.

But he didn't have one.

Government employees were not supposed to have one.

He wishes me a Happy Easter, and I bid him the same.

Respect. Gratitude.

He's a really nice guy.

I went out. I laughed at myself. Hollow.

Labels: sorrow

I held out my left arm.

The nurse stabs.

Blood flows, but only halfway through before it recedes back into my arm.

She applies pressure.

It's no use.

"Nurse, tangan kiri biasanya n'dak bulih. Tiap-tiap kali pun macam tu bah."

"Kau tak pernah buat khejekeh ngan tangan tu?"

"N'dak tau lah...."

Plaster and cotton balls were applied.

The elastic velcro strap was switched to the next arm.

I was told to clench up a tight fist.

Blood fills up the first vial real quick.

But it slowed to a drip on the second one.

I waited long, got taken, then wandered around aimlessly.

A few hours later, I saw my doctor.

The results were out, but he told me to wait a while longer.

He was flustered and sweating all over.

10-20 minutes later, I learned that there's nothing wrong with my blood sugar or cholesterol level.

"Then what is it? What's your guess? Try and make a guess, it's gotta be something right?"

"Frankly, I don't know. I'm completely clueless right now. But hey, look, come back tomorrow and meet me at nine and I'll take you to the skin specialist. The guy comes around once every Friday, and tomorrow's Friday."

"Eh? How'd I find you then?"

"Yeah, uh, take a number downstairs like usual, and let them handle everything. I don't really know where I'll end up tomorrow, so yeah...."

Both of the plasters on my hand were still there on the journey back. I got weird stares from some people, and that's about it. Nothing too uncommon, I see.

Probable biopsy it is then!

Labels: sorrow

I know that there's something odd with me for quite a few years, it's a feeling that goes alongside premonitions of a very short life coupled with bad health.

I've also been told, since last year, that the skin of my back harbors an unhealthy amount of cholesterol deposits.

I went to the hospital for a check this morning.

The doctor was fascinated.

He checked up with his buck toothed coworker next door. Together they proclaimed the emergence of something rare. Said something about stuff not matching up to common pattern.

They offered me two possibilities.

Either I have high cholesterol, coupled with the possibilities of heart problems later on, or a rare skin disease.

Further blood work, or maybe a biopsy tomorrow, good luck.

Labels: sorrow

She was gone for good at the end of last month, a little while during the night after I came back from traipsing around Perak.

The news of it came out as sudden as it can be easily said in a line, and all I can feel then was just a hollow feeling bordering on apathy.  Why'd people have to cry so much only after someone's dead?

I don't know for sure, but there sure is a lot of resentment going on about this matter.  But really now, I am inclined to remain obstinate.

I paid a little visit to the cemetery two days after I went back.  By then she's been buried for four days.  Funeral and burial was done three days after her death, and the obituary appeared after 8 days.  Time, and time again, and supposedly of natural causes.  Time.

The Anglican cemetery's just right beside the Catholic one.  The whole area's hilly and there's a great abundance of clean air and sunshine.  Stone and wooden crosses covered the whole hillside.  Everything's quiet except for the tip-tip tap of some unseen gravediggers making a new pit.

 I stood in front of the grave wielding an iron pipe, father had his hands on a wooden stake.

He was wary of highwaymen, and well, he had his points.  The area's pretty lonesome, and the only way out was a small road that can only fit one car at a time.  The churches can only do so much on private efforts without the help of government road-makers.

Solemn.  And it was odd that the rootless flowers planted on the ground remained somewhat alive after this many days.  Someone must have tended them.

Labels: sorrow

We are suppose to be merciful to the dying, but were they ever merciful to themselves?  She's hooked up on life support, and was pretty unresponsive for the past few days.  The doctor told us to accept what's coming, and that her time's almost up, but what's coming ain't seem too eager to come.  Days passed by with her just hanging by the very ends of her being.

Her whole arm's bloated up, they say, and I'm guessing that the I.V fluids can't find drainage.  Relatives come and go, saying final words that probably won't be heard.  Mom said she's been gone inside for quite a few months back, and finds comfort in the fact that she had probably walked out of her mind bit by bit with peace and ignorance to a place where time never mattered, and what's still alive now is no more than a damaged  and atrophied meat shell running on empty. 

But did I ever get to say a proper goodbye every time I visited last year?  She kept on thinking that I'll come back for my holidays, but her sense of time's so screwed up she kept thinking that holidays will always be two weeks away with no progression from today to tomorrow.

Why all this cruelty, why and with not a single day of ease?  Why so many friends and yet so many enemies among the closest of your kin?  You took everything they threw at you well but why were you never given what you deserve?  Your friends cannot help you, your kinsfolk are always trying to kill you, and you cannot help yourself!

Even the hospital's trying to do a number on her, telling my aunt that she's OK to go home, even though she's not.  She doesn't even look anywhere near OK.

My aunts refused, same with mom.  Doctor called the next day, repeating the same thing.  A random nurse called the day after, and the next.  Nurse moved on to threats of forced eviction, without caring if she's now totally reliant on permanent life support, which my house definitely doesn't have. 

Finally, nurse called to say that the hospital's gonna call the cops on us, and that they'll do everything possible to get their way.

Funny how a government hospital, that used to house the sick and the dying a few years back, is now devoid of any old folks sleeping over.  Impressive new policy they have here.

Mom called in yesterday to say that grandma's not the only one having a streak of bad luck, it seems that granduncle was recently diagnosed with tongue cancer, and her daughter, who had just fought off breast cancer a few years ago have to deal with liver cancer in round 2.

And oh, my current economic fate is in the hands of a person with a delicate disposition, with his frail sanity eaten away bit by bit, he's now only inclined to help me halfheartedly, and on Mondays only.

Labels: sorrow

They told me that grandmother had taken ill earlier today.  She won't eat anything, and there's something wrong with her lungs.  Her eye's were half shut, and she's gone catatonic.

They feel that she's pretty near the clearing at the end of the path, and yet they waited and dawdled and insisted that my old man, who was miles away to rush back and be the one to take her to the hospital.  Evidently with all the able bodied people all around her, nobody was willing to do anything to help her.  They raved and they complained but they sat still, and what nerves they have! 


One should really question their motives, maybe they've been waiting a long time for this moment...

Hargh!

Nothing can really sum up the extent of the anger I'm feeling now, I..I...

My God my Lord, if you can hear out the pain and sadness of your humble servant, please do what you may to help her.  Amen.

Labels: sorrow

I went for a swim with some of my friends two days ago, and it was the first time for me in many months.  All should be well, but it isn't.

Just sitting with half of my body in the not so cold water produced wave after wave of ungodly chills up my spine.  My teeth can't stop chattering and the palm of my hands were a sickly white.

I came to realize then that my life had been but an endless series of all or nothing gambles.

I gambled to stay alive, I gambled to stay on the very top at great cost, I gambled away people's trust and money, I gambled with time.

I cannot help anyone, and I cannot save anyone!

All of this nonsense, and for what?  It's a miracle I can stay alive for so long.  I shouldn't even be alive in the first place.

I can't but feel bitter envy at people who can be so alive, with their worlds full of meaning and health, and living as if with no effort at all.  Plus, they don't have to try very hard to win, winning everything is already a permanent part of their easy lives.

For me, I'll have to travel thrice as far just to catch up, and ten times the sacrifice just to overtake them, but no matter what I did I never became the very best, just because of some limitation at play.

I can win if I want to, I think, but I won't be very human anymore by then, as I once was.

But I think there's no turning back for this sort of existence, if you can call it that.  It's hollow, through and through, as I already am, too.

Labels: sorrow

Honestly I didn't know at first. But considering what I've seen, I think it's quite fitting.

Labels: Sandakan, sorrow

I heard that Fong Seng's little pet project was nearing completion, and that the projected end result looked glorious. This little news brought a slight bitter taste to my mouth. Truly now!

I wonder what would he think, having to wake up everyday at the sight of that thing. Regret, anger, annoyance? Or would he feel nothing of it, having pushed every single future decision out of his hands?

Hn.

The whole thing's certainly beyond any of us now. It's no more than just a waiting game now, and with the recession hitting, I doubt that it would come any time soon.

But I wonder, if things were to happen differently, I'd probably be sailing the high seas and messing around with underage girls by now. Hehe.

Truth is, no matter what I see now, there ain't not much left of it. The magic of pansies or any other female with a makeup kit woke me up in a bad way. I've been duped way too many times already.

So, what now?

GDL, perhaps.

I can nearly see it.

Labels: Sandakan, sorrow

I saw her again on the third day of Chinese New Year, and like last year she taught me a little bit more about playing cards.

But I can say this,

She's more beautiful than ever before. Charismatic and utterly stylish, she remained one of those few people who is completely at ease with herself and the rest of the world.

After a brief stay at her place, I went on to another friend's house, there's a sizable group there playing 2 Dots with high stakes, but their caper and gambling wasn't as lively as last year's session.

Chinese New Year was a lonely, quiet and rainy affair. There ain't so many Kirins roaming the streets anymore. Grandmother got sick, and a few hypocrites showed their ugly faces.

Hurm, what else to say....

My blood pressure was a bit low, they say, but it's ok.

Before I came back here, I dreamt of a scorpion as small as a thumb, and it shook me up.

Hahahah. So what?

Does it matter?

For now, I felt lonely, far more lonelier and unsure of myself than ever before.

My time is short.

Heh.

Labels: love, sickness, sorrow

I decided to iron out some problems that held me up last year, and I've come to a conclusion.
____________________________________________________________________________________

The Slow Dancer

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

Always avoid: The Battleaxe (DBLM)

Consider: The Maid of Honor (DGLM), The Sonnet (DGLD)

Link:The Online Dating Persona Test
____________________________________________________________________________________

Your result for The Your Type of Girl Test...

The Bad Girl

53% Sexy-Cute, 30% Dark-Light, 58% Artsy-Stylish

The above combo can't really work out, so I might as well give up.

Then there's my overall health, which didn't really fare well for the final quarter of last year.

And then there's this:

How troublesome!

Labels: sorrow

They say that this is the time people actually have the time and mood to throw out lavish parties and organize elaborate dinners, with nice desserts set in those tiny frosted glasses as well as fireworks and good wine when the clock struck 12.

This, they say, is also the time most people will think back on what they have done for the past 12 months, as well as to reevaluate their plans for the future.

Sigh.

For me, I see nothing but setbacks and missed chances. The deterioration of the person, as well as the degeneration of qualities in many many areas.

Still so weak, still so small and ignorant. Lazy, and for the love of Jaffa a procrastinator of the most hideous kind.

How loathsome!

Labels: sorrow

I don't know why, and I don't know how. But after trying to remember what I've been going through all these months, and out of it nothing came to mind, it's as if I don't really feel alive at all. Just going through the motions day by day.

I think....

My will died long ago. I might as well rot along with it.

I'm no better than a dead person. And shame on me, I'm still breathing and living, wasting money and other people's time.

Giuk butul!

Labels: sorrow