With Chinese New Year just around the corner, I can’t help but to think a bit. Now that it has been nearly two months since I’ve left school for good. Time passed like a fast flowing and watery hell, and I can’t seem to accomplish anything.

It’s quite hard to start all this, for the things that happened to me seemed still too near; too near for comfort, in fact. Things that are related to it might change, and things could be different and hard to explain.

At around mid December, I thought that I had enough of the holidays. I’ve done some translations (which was hard with so little help now) and a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I tried to occupy my time. I rested, tried new books, go for a swim, etc. But I found out that I’m always alone.

Life at this point sees relaxed. But like always, there are things pressing at the back of my head, things crying out loud to be done.

Sometimes, these notions can be unbearable.

And so, I tried to cope. I took driving and aikido classes. I took on menial jobs, and helped solve other people’s problems. I handled official letters, small time workers’ contracts, personalized greeting messages and notes and other small favors.

I never found a decent job. I just stayed at home, doing odd things and waiting for the next call or commission. The only place public that you’re most likely to find me is the public library.

But still. This sort of existence goes on.

I did many things, but I was never really paid. It was as if I’m a charity worker or some thing, or maybe I’m just turning into a bureaucratic miracle problem solver.

I don’t really know for sure.

Since Chinese New Year is just a few days away, and today is Valentine’s Day, it would be time to stock up on the New Year stuff.

So, I went shopping…of course.

But by then, I felt lonely, lonelier than I could ever be, for Sandakan is a very small place.

I got myself some snaky cargo pants, shirts with confusing statements on it, plasticky festive goods, and then some more. I’ve also noticed that Chinese New Year songs don’t really build up much holiday hype anymore. This means that this year’s holiday will be more subdued and conservative than ever before.

During the course of my shopping, I saw many faces of those I know, and I marveled and how they’ve grown and changed, even if ever so slightly.

I felt useless, seeing all this, like a weak and pathetic loser.

I saw people with a lot more money than me, people who could do things that you could not imagine possible, people who gained the love and trust of many, people who could get what their hearts desired.

All that is dear to me, all that I love and care; I will not be able to get close to them, and have their love and concern.

I fear that when I truly opened my eyes and turn to seek what I hold dear, they will be gone, lost to me forever.

My smile has a faked feel to it and my intentions turn selfish each and every time I see them. I pretended that there is nothing wrong going on. I pretended that all was fine when in fact that all was not so.

I am a somewhat of a liar, and the only great thing I’ve done so far is pretending, like the Great Pretender.

As my eyesight weakens and my body gets frail day by day, what more could I do?

Not much, perhaps… but try to have a

Happy Valentine’s Day, folks!

Labels: Chinese New Year, Valentine