Thousands of bats rushed towards the mouth of the cave. With the ends of his lips, he hollered 'take me with you'.

Although he tried to take in mouthfuls of water collected from the cracked ceiling of the cave, and chewed on moldy nests, he could do little else besides waiting and hoping. He has to take on this challenge. After devouring the nest, there seemed to be another strength that struggled with him to deny that he is going to die.

Here, he is famished. It will be of hunger that he will die of. Nessst.... bonfire....nessst....bonfire.

He felt like chanting.

The damned rocks threatened everything. This is the trap of a cave jembalang(TR-gnome).

Bikbikbik....

You great one, who bestowed me my intelligence. Intelligence alone is not enough. Not eeenough! Only strength alone can save me now.

Between the want of death lay buried a hope for a continuous survival.

The sound of wind came upon every obstacle from the mouth of the cave. It sounded like a flute, blowing ever stronger the deeper it went, startling the fire. The fire parried. There was fire, but now only the embers remained. But it came back to life when the nearby flames caught hold of it. It seems to be planning to accelerate its own demise. When the fire dies, darkness will wrap the cave. The bonfire gave up. A nerve wracking and sharp cold plunged his life in peril.

My misfortunes are not certain.

I'm safe if the fire doesn't go out. Without the fire everything-bonfiiire...bonfiiire....!

Bear: Carve out his flesh-what pain.

Snake: Coiling ever so tightly till his bones break-how fragile.

Centipede: Piercing poison-extremely venomous. Scorpions and centipedes will certainly fight over my body.

If the rifle is at his side, his life will not be in such a danger. No sane mind would be able to bring that weapon to him now.

Who will not die, is it Tadai?

My legs are wedged between these damned rocks.

I want to go hooome!

"Why didn't anyone come!" How loud he in a voice he cried, like the wind that blew out of the mouth of the cave. But still he felt as if his voice still remained inside.

Bikbikbikbikbik...bikbikbikbik.

He lost his hope in supporting his family's needs. His promise to put a necklace on that neck, to wave the gold on those wrists, to put a ring on that ring finger- before that didn't even exist. Tadai's dream evaporated. His firm intent to put Lawai to school next year, was crushed like his withered body. There would still be a month before Lawai goes to school.

Before he entered the cave, he reminded him of the school uniform-shoes, stockings, books, pencils, eraser, sharpener, ruler and water bottle. The words of his son spilled out a mountain of hope. That then melted to become the tears of Tadai, Pachi, Lawai, Lundan, Gumang, Ladong and the four month old unborn child.

My authority, defeated!!

He pinched the skin on his face. The rough skin did not feel the pain of the act. He was confused. The warmth on his palms and face were laughed at by the cold. His skin feels numb.

Impossible!!! I have no regrets. I know that my death is definitely here. I am not afraid, Tadai. Yes, between these rocks...trapped...dead.

I do not fear death. Yea, in between these big rocks...I am afraid to die here. Here!!! Don't leave me stuck like this. To die this way is very hard. Can I, Tadaiii!

Worms nibbled the body till it rotted. The ants will carry bits of the flesh back to the nest. Thousands of worms, thousands of ants fighting to strip this body to the bone.

Don't leave me, Tadai!

Every hiss of wind that crawled in through the cracks, cave holes brought together a voice-line with Tadai calling him, to dissappear and then re-emerge, fade, and then to come back again, until he was sure that it was not the hissing of the wind but it is in fact a voice that was already very familiar to his ears for the last ten years or so.

His children were rack thin. Muscled parts so deflated and the other parts just skin. Apparent veins showed up under each fold of thin skin. Hanging bones like a line of boils ran along from the base of the skull to the buttocks. What's left of the ribs are only skin at the shoulders. Their cheekbones are very neat, forming the surface of their faces. Sometimes if the rump bone was slapped unintentionally, the palm of the hand feels as if it had been stung.

His feelings were hard pressed by those urgings. As a man, a husband at that, his manliness will be all challenged if familial poverty really did struck their lives. And here, pinned between a big rock and the wall of the cave, Tadai's worry was realized on himself. He sincerely will not appreciate a woman's restlessness.

"You need not to worry if my return is delayed. Maybe the nests came in such an abundance that it'll be a waste indeed if they were not all collected," he said to Tadai. A few birds perched themselves on top of his head. They pecked his hair. Then they tugged it restlessly. He felt warmth seeping down to the scalp of his head. Shit! The bonfire revolted, blown in by the wind from the cave entrance, scaring away all the birds. The birds chirped forcefully. Shouting their freedom from his threat.

Tadai's beauty exceeded those of her usual self. The neighbors were aware of that, and their whispers went far until it reached Tadai's lobes, and she grinned for some time at that. That radiant face was not contaminated by sorrow. She had become someone else(entirely). A gold chain shone fiercely on the neck of her head. Bangles were stacked tight to the elbow on both arms. The feeling of contentment radiated from each smile that spilled out of those red lips. Sometimes bright flashes sprinkled from the earrings on her ears. No finger was left un-ringed. Circlets of silver were put upon the ankles of her feet. Her dress was completely red, and lined with the patterns of golden threaded flowers. At her feet a length of short cloth, bobbed with silver coins, tinkling. On her chest hung silver necklaces of various patterns. On her hair was a silver sugu(hairpin?/headdress?) delicately carved, signifying her day of bliss. The pair's beauty increased with the presence of woven bali mensunga(?) cloth backing the one day palace.

Tadaiii!

The bird nests are wet, chewed slowly because of his stiff and brittle mouth. He feared that his mouth would break apart as easily as the dry earth that crumbled when touched. Between the hole of his throat, there seemed to be gravel stones, and he felt a great coarseness at that. He would wet the nests in that sintong(?). And holding out his hands, he counted the droplets. His count was only up to two hundred and twenty three drops. His hope was that it would continue to up to thousands and thousands of drops.

The somniloquy was not borne out of his disturbed thoughts. That truth alone wouldn't even rouse his anger. He will die. And it is not wrong for Tadai to marry someone else If he managed to come home, he'll still let her marry. Tadai is still young, though she will be expecting her sixth child. Of course the widowers of the village will come along with match makers. Twenty and three years old, was Tadai's age. His marriage to her. Tadai was like a discordant merudang(?) shoot made into a wife. A child a year failed to diminish her beauty. He is not disappointed if Tadai is to marry again. He will sit out entire days relinquishing the remainders of his life in a crippled state. He might even die in a month or two.

His long absence Tadai might have brought to the ears of the Head of House. Perhaps the most trusted man can help find him in this accursed cave. The Head of House would certainly gather his men and bring his case to a palaver at the waiting room. And he is sure that all that had been to the cave will give solid arguments, and thus relieve and rid Tadai's worry. Major support over an opinion at the palaver concludes the problem. If they agreed to wait for 2 days, 3 days or a week, Tadai with the child inside her won't be able to climb to Klingkan hill. Tadai simply can't!

"It is very hard to wait for death." From the eyelids, crawling down the valley at the side of the nose, diverging a bit to the lips, flowing down to his chin, where it hung for only a little while. And then it fell on that big rock. Hoping for his tears to crush that boulder. Just like how the sun melted snow.

I am not dead yet!

They cried alongside his corpse. He was put to sleep on a piece of board. His head placed down facing the direction of the sunset.

Tadaiii!

The professional mourner sang some songs reminding them of his deeds, his goodness, his self to visitors from the people of the seven long-houses that they have invited.

Go find meee!

He was bathed. Alu(pestles?) were placed at both ends of the longhouse. At least the alu can save his soul from being snatched by evil ghosts.

I refuse to die here, Tadaiiii!

He was clothed with the neatest of clothes. The best shirt was the shirt given to him by his in-laws.

Take me home! Take my corpse home! Even though all thats left are just bones. Even if it's just the skull.

Nanak's woven pua cloth were made into a temporary partition in the waiting room. The pua covered his entire corpse. Except for his face for those who wanted to see his face for the last time.

Don't let the cat step over me!

The din of birds numbering up to thousands were shocked upon hearing his loud voice that boomed from within and then just dissappear(like that).

Worrrm!

His body shivered. It was like a cold rain wetting his body. Hairs at the back of his head stood up.

Woooorm!

No! Maybe ants, maybe snakes, maybe spiders, maybe scorpions, maybe centipedes.

Worrrms on my feet! Felt it in his wounded leg. Twitching like worms digging into flesh.

Tadaiiiii!

Worms will then nibble at his skin bit by bit, flesh; sucking his blood, spreading to his calves, thighs, dragging up to his butt, piercing the stomach, digging out the liver, spleen and heart. At first the worms numbered at tens, then hundreds, breeding up thousands to devour him. Worms the size of needles, grew up to be as big as a thumb. The ones collapsing on that big rock later will be his bones.

Bikbikbikbikbikbik!

A few birds purposely dropped themselves from the roof, flying low near the fire. Touching the tongue of the flames with their wings. The fire then winked. It's shadow spilling over to the left in astonishment.

Cussssss! Bikbikbikbikbikbik! Cussss!

Their numbers grew, flying low and swarming over the fire. It felt as if the entire nesting community of birds in that cave is attacking the flickering flame.

His eyes dulled and lost its sheen. His vision blurred.

Cusssss! Cusssss! Bikbikbikbikbikbik!

Don't put out the fire!

You resent me!

Bikbikbikbikbikbik!

Step after step swung out in this longest journey. The thumping made him restless. Should he give everything up to fate? He fell on a desert. Only craters of sand, hills of sand, mountains of sand; there's nothing else except for him and the sandy desert. The wind is fierce and hot. Grains of sand like a torrential rain. And so sand gathered and buried half of his body. The sound of winds sending messages in a soft windy language, "deeeeeeeath." The sun was chewed up by thick clouds and yellowish red skies scraped away its essence from coloring that world. He would have to keep on crawling, because his throat was greatly eroded by the dry winds.

Though blurred, still his eyes caught hold of a big and dangerous shadow. Like waiting for an old tree with withered leaves, fragile branches and wobbly roots. So great was this shadow's patience in waiting for his fall. And then to open up it's mouth, swooping down upon him. He felt that his will to live on is starting to fade away. He cannot even hold on to that hope.

Tadaiiiii!

Swallows attacked.

Worms nibbled at his feet.

It is certain that the great shadow will get to slice meat.

Don't bury my body in your stomach!

His eyelids are getting narrower. The sheen of his eyes are clouded over. The bonfire shrunk, occasional tongues of flame escaping from its cinders. The great shadow awaits patiently. There are soft winds that breathed out voices from beyond the cave, maybe the sound of humans maybe the sound of his heart. He continued to chew on bird nests.

Apai Lawaiii(TR:Lawai's father)! The continuous shouting was like the voice of his heart, maybe the voice of humans maybe puffs of wind that lied to him.

But there rose a storm due to the clash between the swallows and thousands of bats at the mouth of the cave.

Fin.

Berita Minggu, 10 February 1991.

Labels: Berita Minggu, encaitar, Jacob Tan, Jong Chian Lai, Waiting For Death

Forgive me, for too many things have happened. I will be leaving all those that are close and dear to me soon, but already I am numb and weary even before my journey started. Faced with one of the greatest transitions of my life, I can only hope that when I can get a grip of myself again, I can truly wake up and tell, without stopping for anything trivial, and just tell everything, like I've always wanted to.

But unfortunately, some lowlife took a large dump in front of my doorstep earlier this morning. It was fortunate that the cleaning lady helped me a lot, otherwise it's going to be a long and troublesome day for me.

Labels: Petaling Jaya, Sandakan, troublemakers

She's ok now, no big injuries or anything. But the thing is I can't go to Tawau because there ain't no flights to Tawau for an entire month!(And I have good reasons why I don't want to take the bus). Maybe I'll go to KK at the end of this week to finish some things that ought to be done two weeks ago.

Labels: Kota Kinabalu, Tawau

My 86 year old grandmother, who is living in Tawau, fell down a flight of steps early this morning. She broke an arm and suffered a grievous wound on her head. She's now in a hospital. Don't really know what to do now. I'll probably have to go to Tawau and see for myself if she's ok.

Labels: Tawau