Passionate people die fast, while those who believe in true love die young.

Emotions are just obstacles.

For one to be, one must be effective and efficient.

But why am I still feeling things? Why must my detachments be so numbing, and unfocused?

My will became my undoing, my humanness cannot be rid.

Somehow, the calm that I wanted became another calm. The smiling aloof kind that doesn't want to care, doesn't want to know....

A weakness, a crippling one. It watered down the enthusiasm towards learning, and working.

By seeing beyond beauty, and by focusing on the subjective ugliness of others, a confounding sense of hopelessness prevailed.

There must be another way around this.

For love and love alone.

And to learn and to love and to understand.

Those are the greatest of things, and also the greatest of my denials.

Sarcasm cannot help me, witty comebacks cannot solve real problems.

Only a living breathing person can.

Either that or God.

I want to believe.

Believe me, that's what I want to believe.

Labels: sorrow

If I could, I would want to see her again when I go back.

It is certainly not necessary for her to know it. Just a simple look from afar would do the trick. I would know better than to do more, right?

Sigh....

I miss her. I really do.

Labels: love, Sabah, Sandakan, sorrow

Something is wrong.

Today's the last paper, contract, and it's my weakest subject.

But somehow, I felt nothing at all. I should be scared, and I should be agonized.

My sleep cycle has been rather erratic for the last 2 weeks, and it was something that had never happened to me before. I skipped meals, my sleep is tortured. Junk food, expensive health snacks, I tried them all.

It's a miracle I didn't get sick.

I've some time, but I felt that I didn't use it that well.

The time that I had was kind of screwed up....it flowed faster and more inconsistent.

There were times when I woke up to find that it's already noon, and times when night fell too fast. Mealtime schedules at this point doesn't even mean a thing anymore. Whatever happened to the discipline, whatever happened to the greater tommorrow? Only hunger, and that sick feeling that followed after I tried to fill my stomach.

Tommorrow just dragged on. Existance was just another excuse to move, and yet not go anywhere. The earth turns, but the mind doesn't seem to grow along with it. Without pause, you realized that you've just grown older, and much slower, but none the wiser.

The truth is far too removed. You can try and climb the highest of peaks, scale the most dangerous of places to find it. But in the end, no matter how much you've pushed yourself to go up, high as the sky and broader than all that held it's worth, you'll see that there will always be another who can best you. He/she can squish you out with littlest of effort from their pinkies.

But don't ever forget about the little ones too. A monkey can trouble the most able of us, but he's more likely to bring more friends to add up to our fun. Great, eh?

The ground floor of UUM smells like puke this morning, the 5th floor carpet sitters desperate. Age is irrelevant when it comes to trouble.

I went in, I waited. The room was as cold as ever, but like the previous three times, my seating was never the same.

My hand did not tremble, my heart did not wince.

But I knew that the emptiness I had back then was a lot worse. Yes, I realized that I had too much time.

Not enough output, not enough substance.

Did I sleep well the night before? Heheh.....

When it ended, that feeling never left. It grew bigger.

It was like a dream I had two nights ago, where I could smell those bookselves, and that helpless desperation.

Japanese food tasted like cheap chinese food, just overpriced.

My bag is heavy, and yet an Indian man still wants to add an unneccessary car magazine to the load. I walked on.

My friends talked about going home, just for a short while. They can expect a fine rest, but will I be able to find mine?

Not even a slight solace for me, I think.....

Labels: chow kit, llb, sungei wang, teppanyaki, times square, uum