I went for a swim with some of my friends two days ago, and it was the first time for me in many months.  All should be well, but it isn't.

Just sitting with half of my body in the not so cold water produced wave after wave of ungodly chills up my spine.  My teeth can't stop chattering and the palm of my hands were a sickly white.

I came to realize then that my life had been but an endless series of all or nothing gambles.

I gambled to stay alive, I gambled to stay on the very top at great cost, I gambled away people's trust and money, I gambled with time.

I cannot help anyone, and I cannot save anyone!

All of this nonsense, and for what?  It's a miracle I can stay alive for so long.  I shouldn't even be alive in the first place.

I can't but feel bitter envy at people who can be so alive, with their worlds full of meaning and health, and living as if with no effort at all.  Plus, they don't have to try very hard to win, winning everything is already a permanent part of their easy lives.

For me, I'll have to travel thrice as far just to catch up, and ten times the sacrifice just to overtake them, but no matter what I did I never became the very best, just because of some limitation at play.

I can win if I want to, I think, but I won't be very human anymore by then, as I once was.

But I think there's no turning back for this sort of existence, if you can call it that.  It's hollow, through and through, as I already am, too.

Labels: sorrow