We are suppose to be merciful to the dying, but were they ever merciful to themselves?  She's hooked up on life support, and was pretty unresponsive for the past few days.  The doctor told us to accept what's coming, and that her time's almost up, but what's coming ain't seem too eager to come.  Days passed by with her just hanging by the very ends of her being.

Her whole arm's bloated up, they say, and I'm guessing that the I.V fluids can't find drainage.  Relatives come and go, saying final words that probably won't be heard.  Mom said she's been gone inside for quite a few months back, and finds comfort in the fact that she had probably walked out of her mind bit by bit with peace and ignorance to a place where time never mattered, and what's still alive now is no more than a damaged  and atrophied meat shell running on empty. 

But did I ever get to say a proper goodbye every time I visited last year?  She kept on thinking that I'll come back for my holidays, but her sense of time's so screwed up she kept thinking that holidays will always be two weeks away with no progression from today to tomorrow.

Why all this cruelty, why and with not a single day of ease?  Why so many friends and yet so many enemies among the closest of your kin?  You took everything they threw at you well but why were you never given what you deserve?  Your friends cannot help you, your kinsfolk are always trying to kill you, and you cannot help yourself!

Even the hospital's trying to do a number on her, telling my aunt that she's OK to go home, even though she's not.  She doesn't even look anywhere near OK.

My aunts refused, same with mom.  Doctor called the next day, repeating the same thing.  A random nurse called the day after, and the next.  Nurse moved on to threats of forced eviction, without caring if she's now totally reliant on permanent life support, which my house definitely doesn't have. 

Finally, nurse called to say that the hospital's gonna call the cops on us, and that they'll do everything possible to get their way.

Funny how a government hospital, that used to house the sick and the dying a few years back, is now devoid of any old folks sleeping over.  Impressive new policy they have here.

Mom called in yesterday to say that grandma's not the only one having a streak of bad luck, it seems that granduncle was recently diagnosed with tongue cancer, and her daughter, who had just fought off breast cancer a few years ago have to deal with liver cancer in round 2.

And oh, my current economic fate is in the hands of a person with a delicate disposition, with his frail sanity eaten away bit by bit, he's now only inclined to help me halfheartedly, and on Mondays only.

Labels: sorrow